breathe in for six.
In the past when I’ve had my lows, I’ve done my best to be transparent but this time I couldn’t. On this day, it had been a few weeks of a deep downward spiral. At first I thought it was just anxiety that would clear up with action and perseverance. But then I was back in Vancouver, unable to sleep and unable to wake up. I couldn’t stop crying.
There’s a hike that everyone knows in Vancouver called the Chief and I’ve done it a million times now. On days when I felt fine, with friends, with a partner. I’ve done it alone in every which moods. On this Monday I knew that I needed to get out and be in nature otherwise things were gonna take a turn and so I went to hike the Chief.
With every step of laboured breath I could just tell I was shit-talking.
You’re worthless.
*pant
How is it that you’re in this situation, again.
*pant
Your friends don’t care.
*pant
Your boyfriend doesn’t care.
*pant
You’re the problem, and you can’t be loved.
*pant
You’re a burden.
*pant
You’re so unfit you can’t even do this hike
*wheezing
I pick up my phone to check Strava and it’s only been 10 minutes.
I let out a little whimper.
But this is the thing with a hike - you just have to keep going.
I had bought myself a breakfast sandwich, which I certainly didn’t want to eat in the car or in the parking lot alone. I got it as a greasy gift to myself and I only deserved to have it in the company of mountaintop chipmunks.
So I put one foot in front of another, feeling like a hobbit on his journey (his second half) with no Sam by my side, but a Gollum ringing in my head.
One foot in front of another.
At first my ears could only acknowledge my laboured breathing, but then it started hearing the sound of the wind passing through the trees, leaves rustling high up, the odd bird chirp. I couldn’t see it but there must’ve been clouds around because the light would go dark and then a few seconds later there’d be spears of light piercing straight through the forest. Some rocks were covered in the lushest moss, and if only my arms were big enough to hug it all the way around - stroking sufficed. I’m an overthinker (if it wasn’t already obvious), and I can become confined in my head often. But nature heals, and the internal monologue starts to quieten with the ASMR of my surroundings to the rhythm of my boots.
Unfortunately the darkness didn’t fade with that hike, and over the past two months it’s become pitch black. I haven’t been honest on here because I just felt so ashamed, like a broken record, the world is on fire, times are tough, what does it matter what I’m feeling and who walked out of my life, who liked me then didn’t, who never gave me a chance, who never gave us a chance.
But I have friends who show up, who text, friends to check in on me, friends with a kind, honest heart and are real with me, a doctor who won’t leave me, someone who sees the pain built up over years. Friends who showed me that it’s not a failure to be in this mindset again, that it’s not a failure to ask for help, were it not for you/them, I wouldn’t be here. Thank you.
I’m trying, I am.
So I’m sharing that it’s been pretty dark over here, even if every so often there’s a break through the clouds.
I’m sharing this now because I don’t want to be caged in my head anymore. I know I have friends who care and people who don’t, it’s scary being alone and convincing yourself that you’re relevant and alive.
I’m sharing this because I’m fighting. While there are good moments over the last few months which I shared on Instagram the majority has been tears and tissues.
It’s getting hot in Tokyo now so it’s hard to stay at home in bed all day. I’m sweating through all my sheets. I’ve been on some runs - sometimes they’re good, sometimes they hurt. I went to the countryside last weekend and that was nice. I don’t feel like I’m choking on a plastic bag anymore, but I still don’t have my appetite, except for Ritz cheese crackers because I found a multi pack that has them in threes and that’s enough for lunch.
There’s unfinished business in my life that I want to make sure I have the determination to see through. I have a wedding to go to next year that I don’t wanna miss. Almost every friend of mine is pregnant and I wanna be around to hold their babies. I wanna meet my godson one day and he’s already four. I want to be able to buy myself a pair of Margiela Tabis. I want to get through the books I bought but haven’t touched. I want to wake up and say good morning to someone, kiss someone goodnight, who’ll hold my hand and give me unannounced hugs, we’ll support and be there through hard times and late nights, and maybe that someone is a cat, or just a plan but I think I want to get there.
Thank you to my friends who checked in with their podcast links, voice notes, texts and texting again to make sure that I see them and so that I see something nice on my phone, sending me videos of your kids or your random story about trying to find toothpaste so I’m included in your life.
I know I’m not alone, it’s just my brain is really good at telling me I am, so please bear with me, please have patience with me until I’m back.
