OUT OF OFFICE.
It’s Monday around 7am and I’m awake but the alarm hasn’t gone off. I have a moment of panic that I’ve overslept. I’m ripping the covers off when I remember that I don’t have to go to work anymore. An immense weight flushes out of me, feeling relieved that I don’t have to face my demons today, or tomorrow, or the day after. I settle back into the sheets and close my eyes, sinking deeper into the duvet. I lie there for a few minutes trying to fall back asleep but there’s a murmuring in the back of my mind, slowly getting louder and louder. My heart beats hurt and my muscles begin to harden. I fly my eyes open in a panic for the second time that morning, “Did I make a mistake taking a leave from work?”
Last year I took a 2-month leave from work. I didn’t plan on doing so but in the end I didn’t have a choice. My surroundings had become toxic and detrimental. My self-worth had dropped to an all-time low. I was being asked to give more, be more, be present, too eager, working hard but not smart - it goes on. I now know what it feels like to be a hot potato, being tossed and thrown about and dropped along the way. I don’t want this post to be a pity-party or a diary of my woes. I want to share my decision to step away from a situation that was doing no one any good and was bringing out the worst in everyone, and reach out to those who may be stuck now like I was.
It’s not an easy thing to walk away from work - life isn’t a movie where you can just turn around and walk out the door with a smile on your face, an uplifting song playing in the background as the credits start to roll. You have your finances, your social life, your routine and so many other factors to consider. These are all the things that delayed my Leave until the last possible moment - despite my therapist, the doctor and my friends all advising me to do so for months.
First came the shame. I’d always been a feisty little one, knowing what was right and wrong, and would stand up for myself and those around me. I always worked hard and gave everything my 100%. So when I started having my doubts that I could continue to carry on and just push through, it made me feel chagrined. I was ashamed that I wasn’t strong-willed enough or brave enough or thick-skinned enough. This echoed into my behaviour as I became more enclosed within myself and was sheepish in my actions and decisions -which obviously was no help to the situation.
Then there was fear. As I slowly came to terms with the fact that I was no longer in a healthy or stable place to continue life as is, I began to wonder if those around me could also see this. I was weak and cowardly and afraid. I questioned, by going on Leave am I confirming these attributes and do the others know about them? While it’s one thing to fight your own demons yourself, it’s a whole other level when you think about what others think about you while you do it. I know that this was self-imposed but sometimes you just can’t help yourself. When have you ever not said “One more bite” and had three, and a few more after that. I thought so.
So I was a coward, I was weak, I had lost hope. I felt abused and forgotten and neglected. But at some point my self-degradation evolved into a fiery beast in the form of my younger self, reminding me of all the times that I stood up for myself and what was right. That time when I was 5 and I told a girl off for taking the scooter from my friend when it was her turn. Or that time when a teacher told me that I wasn’t much of a writer but I went on to work for a publication. Or when I took myself to the doctor and enrolled in an ED recovery programme with other mighty fine ladies.
Going on Leave ended up being the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
I forcefully broke a routine and removed myself from a consumptive environment. I distanced myself from anything that was a trigger to allow myself the space and time to heal. Some may say that I’d run away from your problems, and yes that may be, but you have to pick your battles in order to win the war. My life and my health had to come first and that’s a big enough of an undertaking for me to happily walk away from others.
I only let in the people that I trusted, people who didn’t want anything from me or me from them. I spoke with whoever I felt comfortable and whenever I wanted to. The rest of the time I spent alone with my thoughts (and YouTube), to the point where it was a little uncomfortable. But I’m stuck with me for the rest of my life so I need to get used to it. Through balancing my time alone and with those who were there to give me advice, hear my rants and swat away my doubts, I rebuilt my confidence in my social relationships. The supportive network of friends and acquaintances was my scaffolding during my Leave.
In the way that we will always go back to the Harry Potter books to reignite our love for reading and gain inspiration, I used my Leave to revisit my standards and expectations for things. I looked back at the past few months and assessed what lines had been crossed and how. Was it me, was it them, had I overreacted or is it truly a vital part of my life that is worth my care. I reestablished what my standards are, where I need thicker skin, and what my expectations are from the people and work in my life. Looking back now writing this, no wonder I had been so confused and lost and broken - I had let others dictate my worth and my capabilities, and making me believe that everyone was two-faced and selfish. Ever since my Leave I’ve been able to face any problem head on, think things through and stand up for myself. I know when I can say “yes” and “no”. I know whose words I value right now. I’m by no means back to my ordinary self, full of gusto and confidence, but I’m definitely somewhere away from where I was.
Whenever my Leave comes up in conversation I’ve often had times when someone furrows their brow, lowers their voice and says, “Well you know, sometimes I just think that I need to step out and away from this.” You can see their inner conflict behind their eyes for a split second, and then they convince themselves that everything is just fine and what on earth were they thinking. To those of you who spend more energy just getting to work than when you’re there, who gets exhausted or terrified of following the routine that you’ve done for so long, I want you to know that taking a Leave is an option. It’s not a last resort or an admittance of defeat. You’re calling the shots for a time out. Work shouldn’t be a place of conflict or struggle, make you feel like you’re not enough or suck the energy out of you that you can’t even be yourself when you go home. I hope I’m not naive in saying that work is something that you should feel inspired to do, be invested in, hold value and be wanted. This goes for any other environments that can turn turbulent - home with parents or housemates, sports team, etc. I’m hoping that most companies today provide such a Short-term Leave option; ask if your employer does, that’s a place to start.
My decision to take a Leave may ultimately have come from letting myself settle in the lowest of the low for so long that I couldn’t care less what I did. But the crux came from hearing about my friends stories of taking a Leave, and their realisation that they’re worth more and deserved more. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with all the “what ifs” - I would never know just how far I’d allowed myself to be pushed around by others or rediscover what my needs and standards are if I don’t take the time to reflect.